Heartbreak and Chardonnay

My heart is shattered into a million little pieces right now. I don't know if there's any possibility of it ever being put back together. Hopefully the sedative I just took along with half a bottle of chardonnay will help me forget for the evening at least. I can't believe this is happening again. I am not mentally capable of handling this right now. My health is taking a pretty quick trip down the wrong lane, so I'm not physically able to cope either. I feel like my soul has been ripped in two. What I thought my life was, is no more. I don't know how to be the person he wants me to be. Apparently nothing I do is right and I am a self centered bitch. I definitely do no try to behave that way. As a matter of fact, I try my damdest to do the exact opposite. But, that is neither here nor there now. He says he's really leaving this time. So I just have to cope. Which is not happening for me right now. I'm not speaking or thinking rationally. I think the real deal is I am not worthy of love. Maybe I've done so much wrong in my life and all the terrible things that have and are happening to me is just me getting my comeuppance. I just wish I knew exactly what I did. I have come to the conclusion that I am just unlovable. For whatever reason I don't deserve a family and happiness. I just wish I knew why b/c I am at a loss. So I'm hoping between the wine and the ambien I'll be able to get some rest this evening. My whole world is turned on it's head.

I @#&%$#% HATE Lupus

*sighs* I am so sick of being in pain. I am so sick of my chair. Though, I am grateful I have a comfy chair to sit in, I am entirely sick of sitting in it. I am actually jealous of my kids who are so graciously doing the spring cleaning of the kitchen today. I want to be able to do it. Mainly because no one does it like me and my way is the right way, but that's beside the point. I just want to be a normal functioning 33 year old adult. If I feel this bad now, what is it going to be like when I am 60 or 70? I shudder to think. I've started taking methotrexate again so in a few weeks I should start to feel some relief (hopefully).

I remember a few entries back I had made some goals of some kind, but I've forgotten what they are. I'll have to go back and look.

I wish so much I could be with my cousin Jason at the hospital. I haven't been able to see him since he has been alert. I hope to be able to make it down there on Tuesday when he has surgery #4. He has a very long road ahead of him, he needs all the support and love he can get. I feel awful that I can't be there more for him. He is always in my thoughts and prayers though. Not an hour goes by that I don't say a little prayer for him.

Spring break is almost over and it'll back to the daily grind come Monday. Justin is bored out of his mind and I think secretly he'll be glad to get back to school. There have been some nice days and they've well enjoyed them outside, but the past few have been just miserable. I can't wait till summer. Even though I can't be out in the sun, I at least want to be able to look out the window and see it when I want.

Well, time to give my fingers a rest. Hug those you love and have a blessed evening!

It's Flare Time

Well, I knew it was coming and here it is. A flare. I can feel it oh so subtley moving it's way in my every cell. It's so odd, this feeling of knowing it's starting. It's near impossible to explain to someone who has never dealt with Lupus. I can feel it in my muscles, my joints, even in my eyeballs. Who knows how long it will last or how bad it will be. A big part of this is my fault for not taking my methotrexate like I'm supposed to. Stress has also played it's own part in it too. Soooo....now to deal with it. First of all I'm going back on my meds regularly. Second, I'm just going to take it easy and start doing some meditating everyday again. That usually helps a lot with the stress, but I usually end up falling asleep! LOL

May is Lupus awareness month so I think I'm going to devote time each day to spreading the facts about this disease. Sounds like a good idea! I'm wore out, so I'm done for now. Hug those you love!!

I've Had Better Days...

Today just wasn't all that great of a day. I've had much, much worse but I've also had better. I've been slacking taking my methotrexate and I feel like a full blown flare may be on the way. Yeah, yeah, I know. I've all ready made plans to take it. I'm going to start again on Monday. It makes me ill so I don't want to take it on the weekends and have it ruin my weekends.

There is just so much going on that I wish I could write about. Not what is going on with others around me (that's a whole other story), but what is going on in my own head. I feel so isolated sometimes. I just feel like no one understands what I feel like. Sometimes I just want to put it all out there, all the thoughts and feelings I have bottled up, but I know that would be a big mistake. Part of why I do this blog is to deal with my emotions and Lupus and all that, but I just don't feel free to do so. I feel like the truth would be very painful for some that are close to me and I don't want to hurt them, so I just continue to let them hurt me. Sounds masochistic, doesn't it? Ahh....I don't want this to turn into a pity party, so let's move on.

I didn't sleep well at all last night. That just set the tone for the day, I think. I tried to get a nap in and I managed to get a small one, but I woke up feeling worse than when I laid down. I did manage to toss a load of laundry in and I made dinner, but those were my only 2 accomplishments for today. I think maybe I should make a list of goals each morning. It could be like a little ritual I do with my coffee every morning. That may help me feel more productive and useful. I think the key to that is going to be to keep it realistic. And to be honest with myself about my limitations. I tend to think I can do a lot more than what I really can. I think this little experiment may be worth a shot. I'll report back on how it's going after a week or so. If you don't hear anything else about it, know that it didn't work or I just forgot about it. The latter being much more likely.

Well, this is all for now. I hope everyone has a restful night and don't forget to hug those you love.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

It is a lovely day today, highs are in the 70's!! I hope everyone is enjoying their day. It has been an ordinary day around here. The boys are finished with school work and lunch and are now on to chores then play time. I have some sort of stomach bug that has finally worked it's way around the house to me. I'm really bummed because I was supposed to go see Jason today. I don't want to risk giving him a virus, so at home I stay. He's improving everyday and they may even take him out of ICU soon to another unit, I think it's called PCU? I'm not sure. I'll ask my Mom again the next time she calls.

I've been putting off taking my weekly shot of methotrexate. I know, I know, I need to take it. I just hate the being sick for a full day or more after I take it. I guess I'm going to take it tonight and just get it over with. Recently the FDA has approved a new drug for the treatment of Lupus called Benlysta. It is an IV medication that is taken once a month. It is so expensive right now, I'm sure my insurance won't pay for it but maybe soon.

Prayers are Answered

I got a really great phone call this morning from my Mother. Jason had a good night and he is responding and communicating!! I have prayed so hard and I have never lost hope. Many of my childhood memories include Jason. I love him like he was my brother. I want to be there with him so bad, but unfortunately I can't. I have my Mom tell him everyday that I love him and that I'm thinking about him. I know the road to recovery is going to be a long and hard one, but I will continue to keep my faith that he can do this.

This is not a very long post, I just had to share the good news! Hug those you love.

Good Night World

Now we come to the end of another day. It has been another emotional roller coaster for me today. My cousin went in for his first surgery and he's been in my thoughts constantly. I won't go into details, but something very traumatic happened and he's in ICU and he's in pretty bad shape. Every few minutes or so, his smiling face pops into my head. Sometimes his laughter finds it's way in their too. I'm constantly saying little prayers for his recovery. I want to see him smile and hear him laugh again so badly. I don't want those things to be just memories.

Today the Lupus symptoms have not been all that bad. Of course, there was pain. There is always pain. I don't think I'll ever know a day again with no pain at all. The fatigue was mild today. The main thing I've noticed is that I've been moody and agitated easily. This is probably due to several different factors. I am looking forward to a good night's rest (I hope).

Well, this is all for tonight. Hug those you love!