Shutterfly

I've never used the Christmas cards with the photos on them, but I'm going to this year! Shutterfly has a great promotion going on right now for bloggers. Everyone should really check it out. The link for more information is http://blog.shutterfly.com/5528/2010-holiday-card-collection1/

I have never specifically used Shutterfly before, but I will now, even for getting my regular photos developed.

Things Change

Well, things are settled down here for the most part. All of the drama that took place last night seems to be done with. I still have some negative feelings about things though. It seems as if I can't say anything right. Any opinion I have is the wrong one, any idea I have is no good, and apparently I am selfish and self serving and a lazy parent. I know the last parts to be untrue, but it still hurts that someone else could feel this way about me. Of course, those exact words were not said, but that was the meaning behind it. I feel so alone. I wish I had someone to confide in. I wish my sister and I lived closer together. I can be honest with her about my feelings and thoughts and they are okay with her. I feel like she respects my thoughts and feelings. I feel myself getting more and more depressed everyday. I am on antidepressants (yep, that's right. I'm not ashamed to admit it.) and maybe it's time to up the dose. I know Zoloft can't improve my situation, but it can improve my perception of it. I know if this gets read by certain people they are liable to be very upset with me. However, I feel like I have the right express myself. I'm not naming names or specifics, so I think this is entirely appropriate.

That's all I really have to say for now.

Think Again!

Just when I think I am doing a pretty good job as a parent and a wife, something happens that concretes the fact that exactly the opposite is true. It is definitely not for lack of trying or desire. I do my best and still it's not good enough. I had no idea that a certain person was so very miserable. And I really feel like shit because I didn't know that it was as bad as it apparently is. So, what to do now? How can I make things better? I absolutely do not have the answer to those questions. The incident that sparked all of this has caused me to doubt so many things in such a short period of time. I think the worst pain in the world is to know that a person you love more than life itself is hurting and there's nothing you can do to fix it. So all I can do is cry and silently pray for the answers to be shown to me. My faith in certain things has been shaken to the core. Things I thought would never happen have happened. Things I thought would never be said again have been said. I am hurt and my heart is broken. The really bad thing is that there is no one I can talk to about this. I won't give details that personal in a blog, but I do think writing down how I feel about things is healthy.

All this upset has caused my butterfly rash to make an appearance. Just great. I've been in a flare for a while now, but I haven't had to deal with the rash. Not anymore, I get to look at that everyday in the mirror now. I should be on prednisone right now, but I can't stand what that stuff does to me. Sure, it makes things lovely in the short term, but after a while horrible is the only word I can think of to describe it. I am so tired of crying. I just have to have faith that tomorrow is going to be a better day.

It's Friday :)

Which makes my kids happy, but to me is just another day of the week. I managed to make it to Bloomington to my rheumy's office with the help of my husband (my chauffeur). It's such a long drive, I really wish we lived closer, but I like it where we are at now. It's getting to be winter now, so there will be no moving anytime soon anyway.

I'm in a better mood this evening, but I still have a lot weighing on my heart and mind. I wish there were a quick fix for all life's problems. I think living in the age of the internet has made us more impatient in general. No one wants to wait for anything, including me. The old saying that good things come to those who wait holds no power anymore. Why should we have to wait? Everything is at our fingertips. Ahh...sorry for the moodiness. I've been pondering life's bigger issues lately. It' made me a little jaded, I believe. I think a lot of what I'm going through emotionally is just another step in growing up. And some of it is just life.

Not a Good Day :(

Today has not been a very good day for me. I just found out this week that a family member is in stage 4 colon cancer. My heart breaks for his wife and children. I haven't seen him very often over the course of my adult life, but my childhood is filled with memories of him. I specifically remember him offering me $10 if I could catch one of his roosters. Now, back in the day that was a fortune to me! LOL :) I chased that rooster all over the yard. And no, I never caught it. All of this reminds me how fragile life is and how quickly it can be taken away. It's hard to imagine someone that you've always seen strong and healthy go through such a thing.

Beyond that, well, anything else I wanted to write about seems rather small and insignificant. I don't feel like I have the right to complain.

Julie and Julia and Other Things On My Mind

I love any movie where the characters are extremely real, easy to relate to. Julie and Julia is one of those movies. What I found easier to relate to is the real Julie Powell. I read her blogs and yes, I agree with the nay-sayers that she comes across self absorbed and self centered. But the Julie/Julia project was all about her quest for self awareness, and her journey through it. Therefore, how could you expect her to come across as anything but self centered and self absorbed? I don't think a blog can so correctly pigeon hole a person's personality. We are all complex creatures. I believe a blog is just a glimpse inside a person's head, not a complete tour through it. I cannot wait to get her books and also Julia Child's cookbooks. I am going to put those on my Christmas list this year. Hey Santa...are you reading this? :)

I voted yesterday, and yes I am proud of that fact. I think that the right to vote is one of the most overlooked freedoms we as Americans have. So many people I know don't vote because they don't think it matters. Yes, it does matter. In so many places in the world women especially are not allowed to be heard in the matters of how their countries are run. I voted for all of those women. I did it because I can.

Not much on the agenda today. I have a few errands to run, but that's it. I am very thankful because I'm not feeling all the great today. Oh Lupus, how I'd love to run you over with my truck then toss you in the river.

Good Night World

Right now it's my absolute favorite time of day. Things are settling down for the night. The kids are watching their Monday night shows and Matt is lecturing them on why they shouldn't try big time wrestling moves at home. I think the point is moot. But as responsible parents we must say such things anyway. I am in the living room enjoying listening to the music that is my family in the other room. I also have an ear out for my tea kettle. I'm looking forward to my cup of hot chocolate with marshmallow creme.

Not really looking forward to the trip to the doctor tomorrow. It's the really not fun type of doctor visit. You know what I'm talking about ladies. But it is one of those necessary evils! Also now that I'm getting "up there" (toward mid 30's) I am wondering when I need to have my first mammogram. I don't know that much detail about my family history. I guess that's something I need to talk with my Mother about. I wonder if there is any correlation between Lupus and female types of cancer. Lupus is a disease that mainly affects women in their childbearing years. Now, that's not to say Lupus doesn't affect men or children because it does all the time. It's just that the majority of the cases are women. That is a topic I may bring up with my doc tomorrow. She is not a rheumy, but she may know something.

Well, I am exhausted. I had a very busy day today. I hope everyone is well and I wish everyone a peaceful, restful night.

This is one of the preloaded pics that came with my laptop. I love it!