Good Morning World :)

Had a pretty crappy day yesterday. On my way home from the sleep study, the truck broke down and Matt and the neighbor had to come and get me. I was stranded at Walmart in Jasper. There are a whole lot worse places to be stranded, I guess. So I'm really not complaining all too much. I got to shop while I waited for them :)

The sleep study went well. I didn't have any really obvious episodes that the sleep technician noticed, but she said I did have small ones. So, we'll see. I really don't want to have to sleep hooked up to a machine.

My doctor, (family practice) Dr. Amy, wrote a letter stating what my limitations are so hopefully now the review board will go ahead and approve me like they said they would! It's been a VERY long 2 years waiting for this. It's been extremely hard with no income from me. When I get the back pay one of the first things I am going to do is take the kids on a much needed vacation. Somewhere fun, like Disney World. I'll take an umbrella and ride one of those electric scooters. I'd like to stay 4 days, and spend 3 days in Disney World. It takes about that long to see everything!! I know they've suffered right along with me and they deserve an awesome trip like that. I think I'd like to fly, though. That's a long way to go in a car with 3 kids in tow! Besides, by the time you figure the price of renting a car and the gas, it may be more economical to fly. We'll see.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Grandma

I never say out loud how much I miss you. It still hurts too much. I haven't been back to your grave since the funeral, not because I don't care, it's because it's still too painful for me. I am sorry about this. Every time I get up that way, I think about taking some yellow roses there for you. Those were your favorite. And every time I chicken out. I think when I do go, I am going to ask Sharon to go with me. Maybe it will be easier with someone who can understand how much I miss you.

I just have a few things I want to say. I am sorry for being such a pain in the ass. I know I was. I was a spoiled rotten brat at times. Some of that was due to things that happened to me, and some of it just because I was rotten. I believe you knew that and that's why you tolerated me when I was at my worst! Even when I was terrible, you loved me anyway. Even when I didn't love myself and I thought I didn't deserve love from anyone else, you loved me.

There are so many things that remind me of you everyday. The smell of Pacquin hand cream, coffee, and that distinct smell of the furnace kicking on are all burned into my memory.

I think you'd be proud of me now. I've grown up into a loving mother and wife, into a compassionate person. The spoiled, rotten brat is gone. I think you knew that would happen sooner or later.

One thing I do regret the most is that the boys didn't get a chance to know you. I know that you got to see them in heaven before I brought them into this world, that comforts me.

I also want you to know that whatever is good in me is there in large part because of you. You taught me what unconditional love really is. You taught me that you stick by your children, no matter what. You taught me a countless number of things that make up who I am today.

So, happy birthday in Heaven Grandma. You are loved and missed.

Peace and Quiet and Coffee

Getting up at 5:30 in the morning is not such a bad thing. I get to check my facebook and email without anyone reading over my shoulder. I can listen to the news without having to say HUSH! 500 times. I can enjoy my coffee while it's hot because I don't have to leave it sit while I am called to do something. That being said, I only like these quiet times in small doses. Their noise is the music of my life. When they are gone for extended periods (overnight visits to Memmaw's or friends), it's too quiet for me. The absence of their laughter and make believe games leaves me feeling empty and depressed. I don't know what I'll do when they are ready to leave home! It may seem a little early to begin worrying of such things, but in reality it'll be here before I know it. What will I do with all the free time? Who will need me? That's probably the question that worries me the most, who will need me. For now they are all tucked in their beds, dreaming the dreams of the innocent and carefree.

Happy Monday!

I read a really great book over the weekend called Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. I could not put this book down! I finished it in 2 days. I've been having trouble getting interested in reading lately (which is odd because I am a book worm!) but this book changed that. It's about a 30 something woman named Libby whose brother is prison for the murder of their mother and 2 sisters. I highly recommend it to everybody.

Just finished up summer school with the boys for today. Justin is hating it, but he needs it the most. Hopefully I can get his math skills up to par for next year. Jacob and Ian have started their typing lessons and are doing well.

Didn't get to go out to my Dad's like I wanted to yesterday. Our truck is acting up and a 2 hour drive is not what it needs. It would really stink to have broken down in 110 degree weather with 3 kids on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. And with my luck, that's probably what would've happened.

Happy Father's Day

It's going to be a good day. Everyone is in a pleasant mood, no bickering or fighting. I spent some time outdoors yesterday (with sunscreen of course) and am paying for it today. I'm not able to go to my Dad's for a cookout today, so we are having one here. I would like to go, but it's just not possible right now. I wish the boys could get to know that side of my family. It's been years since my Dad has spent any time with them. Ian looks just like him. The boys are growing up so fast and he has missed almost all of it. I'm not laying blame on anyone, it's just a shame it turned out this way.

None-the-less, I'd like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all the Dads. Especially my husband, Matt. He may not be the boys' biological "father", but he has raised them and loved them just like they were his own. They are blessed to have him in their lives and they will be better men because of him.

My sister is doing better. I am so thankful for that.

Well, I need to get a cake baked and it's not happening by itself so I gotta leave this here!

Saturday Morning

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile. That's because of the mood I've been in. Not angry or anything, but sad. And depressed. And worried. My sister just had major surgery and has not been feeling well at all. I'm scared to death something is going to go wrong and I'll lose her. Even just barely entertaining those thoughts makes me cry. I hate to cry. It makes my eyes all puffy and stops my nose up. So I don't even think I can write about that anymore.

Then when I got onto facebook this morning, I learned that a member of one of the lupus support groups I am in has lost her battle with lupus. I didn't know this woman, but this news makes me sad none the less. My heart goes out to her family. It's a reality of this disease that I am all too often reminded of. It makes me angry that there is not a cure yet! How many more families have to lose their loved ones before more attention and funding will be brought to this disease?

I'm trying to think of something positive to write about and it's eluding me. So I think I'll just end this blog here.

Sarah's Rules :)

Today has started out to be a very productive day. My men are getting the yard done, it needed it so bad! It's been raining a lot, so it was really getting tall. I'm not a nazi about how my yard looks, but I do like it neat. I wish I could do some landscaping and gardening, but seeing as how the sun is a no-no and my arthritis won't allow it, I guess those things are out of the question.

I decided to leave on of my lupus groups for good today. The drama that has been going on there is just something I'm not going to deal with anymore. It all started because of one woman. A few of us got sick and tired of her condescending posts. I held my tongue until she started actually stalking one of my friends fb page. This woman just could not handle criticism in any way. The whole group just feels less and less like a support group (which is what it was supposed to be) everyday.

I got all of my laundry done yesterday! I am so proud of myself. :) That includes getting it folded and put away. I've been depressed because I can't work and bring money into the household, so I got an idea from an article I read by a lady who is disabled and unable to work. She made a list of rules for herself so she didn't feel like a couch potato. Here is a list of the rules I am going to set for myself:

1. I will not stay in pj's all day. This means I will get cleaned up and dressed every morning.

2. I will put on makeup every day, even if it's just mascara.

3. I will write either in my blog or my journal daily.

4. I will attempt to do at least one productive thing daily. This could be housework, paying bills or making the budget, or even cooking a meal.

5. I will keep all doctor's appointments and keep all my prescriptions up to date.

Those sound like really simple things, and they are. I figure I should make my goals reasonably attainable. That way I won't feel like a failure. Now, I will be more lax when I am in a lot of pain or sick. But I think I can tackle 4 out of the 5 even on the bad days. I usually feel better in the mornings, so I can get all these accomplished fairly easily in the a.m.

I hope everyone has a great day!