I never say out loud how much I miss you. It still hurts too much. I haven't been back to your grave since the funeral, not because I don't care, it's because it's still too painful for me. I am sorry about this. Every time I get up that way, I think about taking some yellow roses there for you. Those were your favorite. And every time I chicken out. I think when I do go, I am going to ask Sharon to go with me. Maybe it will be easier with someone who can understand how much I miss you.
I just have a few things I want to say. I am sorry for being such a pain in the ass. I know I was. I was a spoiled rotten brat at times. Some of that was due to things that happened to me, and some of it just because I was rotten. I believe you knew that and that's why you tolerated me when I was at my worst! Even when I was terrible, you loved me anyway. Even when I didn't love myself and I thought I didn't deserve love from anyone else, you loved me.
There are so many things that remind me of you everyday. The smell of Pacquin hand cream, coffee, and that distinct smell of the furnace kicking on are all burned into my memory.
I think you'd be proud of me now. I've grown up into a loving mother and wife, into a compassionate person. The spoiled, rotten brat is gone. I think you knew that would happen sooner or later.
One thing I do regret the most is that the boys didn't get a chance to know you. I know that you got to see them in heaven before I brought them into this world, that comforts me.
I also want you to know that whatever is good in me is there in large part because of you. You taught me what unconditional love really is. You taught me that you stick by your children, no matter what. You taught me a countless number of things that make up who I am today.
So, happy birthday in Heaven Grandma. You are loved and missed.
No comments:
Post a Comment