Good Morning World :)

Had a pretty crappy day yesterday. On my way home from the sleep study, the truck broke down and Matt and the neighbor had to come and get me. I was stranded at Walmart in Jasper. There are a whole lot worse places to be stranded, I guess. So I'm really not complaining all too much. I got to shop while I waited for them :)

The sleep study went well. I didn't have any really obvious episodes that the sleep technician noticed, but she said I did have small ones. So, we'll see. I really don't want to have to sleep hooked up to a machine.

My doctor, (family practice) Dr. Amy, wrote a letter stating what my limitations are so hopefully now the review board will go ahead and approve me like they said they would! It's been a VERY long 2 years waiting for this. It's been extremely hard with no income from me. When I get the back pay one of the first things I am going to do is take the kids on a much needed vacation. Somewhere fun, like Disney World. I'll take an umbrella and ride one of those electric scooters. I'd like to stay 4 days, and spend 3 days in Disney World. It takes about that long to see everything!! I know they've suffered right along with me and they deserve an awesome trip like that. I think I'd like to fly, though. That's a long way to go in a car with 3 kids in tow! Besides, by the time you figure the price of renting a car and the gas, it may be more economical to fly. We'll see.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Grandma

I never say out loud how much I miss you. It still hurts too much. I haven't been back to your grave since the funeral, not because I don't care, it's because it's still too painful for me. I am sorry about this. Every time I get up that way, I think about taking some yellow roses there for you. Those were your favorite. And every time I chicken out. I think when I do go, I am going to ask Sharon to go with me. Maybe it will be easier with someone who can understand how much I miss you.

I just have a few things I want to say. I am sorry for being such a pain in the ass. I know I was. I was a spoiled rotten brat at times. Some of that was due to things that happened to me, and some of it just because I was rotten. I believe you knew that and that's why you tolerated me when I was at my worst! Even when I was terrible, you loved me anyway. Even when I didn't love myself and I thought I didn't deserve love from anyone else, you loved me.

There are so many things that remind me of you everyday. The smell of Pacquin hand cream, coffee, and that distinct smell of the furnace kicking on are all burned into my memory.

I think you'd be proud of me now. I've grown up into a loving mother and wife, into a compassionate person. The spoiled, rotten brat is gone. I think you knew that would happen sooner or later.

One thing I do regret the most is that the boys didn't get a chance to know you. I know that you got to see them in heaven before I brought them into this world, that comforts me.

I also want you to know that whatever is good in me is there in large part because of you. You taught me what unconditional love really is. You taught me that you stick by your children, no matter what. You taught me a countless number of things that make up who I am today.

So, happy birthday in Heaven Grandma. You are loved and missed.

Peace and Quiet and Coffee

Getting up at 5:30 in the morning is not such a bad thing. I get to check my facebook and email without anyone reading over my shoulder. I can listen to the news without having to say HUSH! 500 times. I can enjoy my coffee while it's hot because I don't have to leave it sit while I am called to do something. That being said, I only like these quiet times in small doses. Their noise is the music of my life. When they are gone for extended periods (overnight visits to Memmaw's or friends), it's too quiet for me. The absence of their laughter and make believe games leaves me feeling empty and depressed. I don't know what I'll do when they are ready to leave home! It may seem a little early to begin worrying of such things, but in reality it'll be here before I know it. What will I do with all the free time? Who will need me? That's probably the question that worries me the most, who will need me. For now they are all tucked in their beds, dreaming the dreams of the innocent and carefree.

Happy Monday!

I read a really great book over the weekend called Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. I could not put this book down! I finished it in 2 days. I've been having trouble getting interested in reading lately (which is odd because I am a book worm!) but this book changed that. It's about a 30 something woman named Libby whose brother is prison for the murder of their mother and 2 sisters. I highly recommend it to everybody.

Just finished up summer school with the boys for today. Justin is hating it, but he needs it the most. Hopefully I can get his math skills up to par for next year. Jacob and Ian have started their typing lessons and are doing well.

Didn't get to go out to my Dad's like I wanted to yesterday. Our truck is acting up and a 2 hour drive is not what it needs. It would really stink to have broken down in 110 degree weather with 3 kids on the side of the highway in the middle of nowhere. And with my luck, that's probably what would've happened.

Happy Father's Day

It's going to be a good day. Everyone is in a pleasant mood, no bickering or fighting. I spent some time outdoors yesterday (with sunscreen of course) and am paying for it today. I'm not able to go to my Dad's for a cookout today, so we are having one here. I would like to go, but it's just not possible right now. I wish the boys could get to know that side of my family. It's been years since my Dad has spent any time with them. Ian looks just like him. The boys are growing up so fast and he has missed almost all of it. I'm not laying blame on anyone, it's just a shame it turned out this way.

None-the-less, I'd like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all the Dads. Especially my husband, Matt. He may not be the boys' biological "father", but he has raised them and loved them just like they were his own. They are blessed to have him in their lives and they will be better men because of him.

My sister is doing better. I am so thankful for that.

Well, I need to get a cake baked and it's not happening by itself so I gotta leave this here!

Saturday Morning

I know I haven't posted anything in awhile. That's because of the mood I've been in. Not angry or anything, but sad. And depressed. And worried. My sister just had major surgery and has not been feeling well at all. I'm scared to death something is going to go wrong and I'll lose her. Even just barely entertaining those thoughts makes me cry. I hate to cry. It makes my eyes all puffy and stops my nose up. So I don't even think I can write about that anymore.

Then when I got onto facebook this morning, I learned that a member of one of the lupus support groups I am in has lost her battle with lupus. I didn't know this woman, but this news makes me sad none the less. My heart goes out to her family. It's a reality of this disease that I am all too often reminded of. It makes me angry that there is not a cure yet! How many more families have to lose their loved ones before more attention and funding will be brought to this disease?

I'm trying to think of something positive to write about and it's eluding me. So I think I'll just end this blog here.

Sarah's Rules :)

Today has started out to be a very productive day. My men are getting the yard done, it needed it so bad! It's been raining a lot, so it was really getting tall. I'm not a nazi about how my yard looks, but I do like it neat. I wish I could do some landscaping and gardening, but seeing as how the sun is a no-no and my arthritis won't allow it, I guess those things are out of the question.

I decided to leave on of my lupus groups for good today. The drama that has been going on there is just something I'm not going to deal with anymore. It all started because of one woman. A few of us got sick and tired of her condescending posts. I held my tongue until she started actually stalking one of my friends fb page. This woman just could not handle criticism in any way. The whole group just feels less and less like a support group (which is what it was supposed to be) everyday.

I got all of my laundry done yesterday! I am so proud of myself. :) That includes getting it folded and put away. I've been depressed because I can't work and bring money into the household, so I got an idea from an article I read by a lady who is disabled and unable to work. She made a list of rules for herself so she didn't feel like a couch potato. Here is a list of the rules I am going to set for myself:

1. I will not stay in pj's all day. This means I will get cleaned up and dressed every morning.

2. I will put on makeup every day, even if it's just mascara.

3. I will write either in my blog or my journal daily.

4. I will attempt to do at least one productive thing daily. This could be housework, paying bills or making the budget, or even cooking a meal.

5. I will keep all doctor's appointments and keep all my prescriptions up to date.

Those sound like really simple things, and they are. I figure I should make my goals reasonably attainable. That way I won't feel like a failure. Now, I will be more lax when I am in a lot of pain or sick. But I think I can tackle 4 out of the 5 even on the bad days. I usually feel better in the mornings, so I can get all these accomplished fairly easily in the a.m.

I hope everyone has a great day!

TGIF

Friday is here again! It's supposed to be a stormy weekend around here, perfect chance for me to get caught up on this laundry situation. Ian has a friend coming to stay the night Saturday, so that should keep things hoppin' around here!

Justin has taken an interest in learning Japanese. I think this is great. I'm going to start looking for some books and videos to get him started and keep him interested. If he starts learning now while he is young, it will be much easier for him.

Not much going on today. Watching a movie called Perfect Stranger with Halle Barry and Bruce Willis. It's pretty good so far. So...nothing else to write about for now, but I'll be back later!! Hope everyone enjoys their weekend. :) Sarah Jane

Thankful

I'd like to talk about some things that I'm thankful for in my life. I'm especially thankful that today my sister is home from the hospital and made it through her surgery safely. I don't know what I'd do without her. She is such a source of strength for me. She brings me up when on some days I feel like I just can't do it. I am lucky to have her.

I am thankful for my children. They are my whole life. They are the reason I wake up in the morning. I am so blessed to have 3 sons.

I am thankful for my Mom. We've not always been close, but now we have a bond that I treasure. Maybe we had to go through all that hard stuff to be as close as we are now.

I am thankful for my husband. He has stood by me and been my rock especially since I've been sick. He sees me for who I really am and loves me anyway. He knows all my secrets, and they're okay with him.

I am thankful for my friends, especially my "lupie" friends I've found on facebook. I feel accepted and understood for who I am, illness and all.

I am thankful for the quiet, but also thankful for the noise. It is how I know I'm truly alive.

It just occurred to me that what I'm thankful for are the people, not things, in my life.

Happy Thursday to all! Sarah Jane

New Skincare Finds

Yeah...I slept nearly all day and got NO housework done. I did, however, manage to wash one load of laundry. So, the boys got an easy day today. What amazes me is that I'm still sleepy!

I started using some new products from Avon that I'm quite impressed with. The first one is Anew Advanced all in one Max. It has SPF 17 and is a lotion that you put on in the morning after cleansing your face. So far I love it because it makes my face nice and smooth and seems to have more clarity , great for under foundation. Over time it's supposed to help with age spots, and fine lines and wrinkles. When I've used it for a little longer, I'll let you know.

The second one is Anew Ultimate Night Creme. Now, this is supposed to be for mature skin, but I figure the sooner I use it, the more time it has to work. It is also supposed to improve skin clarity, fade sunspots and discoloration, and improve fine lines and wrinkles, and moisturize. I absolutely love this stuff! It doesn't leave my face greasy or oily, just moisturized and glowing.

The third and final product is Anew Ultimate contouring eye cream. It is a 2 part system with a cream and a more emollient solid. It is supposed to be used morning and night. The cream is applied to upper and lower eyelids first, and the solid to the under eye and crow's feet second. It is supposed to reduce puffiness, diminish fine lines and wrinkles around the eye, and improve dark circles under the eye. I think I've found another product I can't live with out.

The best part of all these 3 products is that they don't irritate or break out my skin. I have a hard time finding a good skincare regimen because of this. I'm still on the lookout for a great cleanser. I may just have to try Avon for that as well! Also, these products are kind of pricey in the Avon catalog, but you can find them on ebay for less than half price.

Good Morning World

It's going to be another stormy day. Which is fine by me, I've got some chores lined up for the boys today. Nothing too harsh, but this house does need some attention to the woodwork! We live in an older home that beautiful woodwork on the entry way to the dining room, around the windows and doors, along the base boards, and hardwood floors. Very pretty, but a pain in the butt to keep clean sometimes. So today out comes the Murphy's Wood Oil Soap, buckets of water and rags. That is the plan, but if I've learned one thing in almost 33 years, it's that things don't always go as planned! It may just end up being a quick job with the Swiffer, we'll see.

Justin has been doing surprisingly well without his meds. I really, really want to keep him off of them for good. I can practically watch the child grow! His appetite has improved dramatically as well.

Well, time to get something started, so bye!

The End

I'm having a much better day today. I've had to learn some pretty hard lessons the past couple of days. I've made some mistakes I can assure you I will NOT make again.

My sister had surgery today and I haven't been able to get a hold of her. I'm sure she's just sleeping off the anesthesia, but I'm still worried. I'll try and call her again tomorrow. I'm afraid she's up there all alone. I feel bad that I can't be there with her. She was there for me when I was in the hospital.

So...I don't have much else to write about. I'm emotionally spent for now and think I need a few mind-numbing hours in front of the TV with a good movie and a hot cup of tea.

Spunky Kitteh :)

My Kitteh Twin

Becoming a New Zealand Goat Herder

At this moment in time if I could do whatever I wanted, I'd move to New Zealand and raise goats. I've never been there, only seen pictures and what they used in the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Looks like a beautiful place to live. I'd live in the middle of lush, green hills in a log cabin. It'd have a huge fireplace and a spring on the property. No phones. No internet. Just me and my husband and kids. We'd have a huge garden where we'd grow most all of our food. And most of all, it'd be peaceful. No drama. We'd be too busy working at our daily survival to worry about what else was going on in the world. I'd learn how to sew and make our clothes. We'd only go to town once or twice a month for supplies we couldn't make on our own and to sell goat cheese.

Now of course, this will never happen. My children would accuse me of child abuse for even thinking such nonsense as no internet and all that farm work. But, I can dream, right?

Funny Pic

Blah.

That's about all I have to say for the past couple of days. Blah. I have been in an horrendous amount of pain and on top of that I've been into it with 2 family members. One of them I hate (yes, I know that is a strong word but if you knew the history you'd understand) and one of them has stabbed me in the back for the last time. He says he's sorry, but I'm just not ready to accept it. I need to cool down some more first. I can hold a grudge like no other, so that may be awhile. I've had complete strangers show me more kindness and respect than some of my family. My past (childhood) has been fraught with despair, pain, and most of all loneliness and the 2 aforementioned people (one more than the other) are the cause of most of it. But now that I am a grown up I have decided to take back control of my life. They can't hurt me anymore. But in a way they can, because every time I forgive them, they do something else to make me want to go back to acting like I never knew them. So, one of them (the worst of the 2) is out of my life for good. I will never see nor speak to him again. I am perfectly fine with that. The only reason I was civil at all was for the good of the family as a whole, but I am putting myself first now and he's out for good. I am still so angry and hurt. I hate feeling this way. It's like I've given them the power once again. So, right now I am taking it back. They don't have enough influence over me to upset me anymore.

Funny pic :)

Just testing out uploading pics! I love this one, makes me giggle!!

Makeup Bag

Believe it or not, I am a girly-girl at heart. I love makeup, perfume, clothes, shoes, and above all purses. So...I've decided to devote some time to these things.

I love clearance at CVS. About once every season or so they clean out all the old inventory to make room for the new and a lot of really great, normally kinda pricey products are on clearance for 50-75% off. This past week I got some really great things from L'oreal. I got L'oreal Invisible Lift Foundation in classic ivory. I am impressed. It matches my skin tone very well, doesn't look cakey or "fake" after a few hours of wear, and it has SPF 17. It also doesn't break my face out, which is amazing because I have very sensitive skin. The normal price on this was $11.99, but I got it for 75% off! I also got 3 pots of L'oreal H.I.P. eyeshadows. They are loose, shimmery powders that come with application brushes. They are striving (green), beckoning (blue), and progressive (a coppery color). Last, but not least, I got L'oreal H.I.P. eye crayons in authentic (green) and intricate (blue). I also got all of those for 75% off each. I've always been reluctant to wear such bold colors, but I figure wearing make up is supposed to be fun so I might as well get a little more creative with the colors I use. For the really bold colors, like these aforementioned from L'oreal, I applied them (the powders) on my eyelid only, and rimmed the bottom lash line with the matching crayon. I am pleased with the results. They add a great pop of color, draw attention to my eyes, and it doesn't look cartoonish or overdone.

The End

Today was a peaceful day. I tried to take it easy for the most part. I did another couple loads of laundry and made dinner, that was about it. Dinner ended up being breaded pork chops, steak fries and onions, brussel sprouts, and pumpernickel bread. It was really good, if I do say so myself.

I also started my book club book which is 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper. I am pretty impressed so far. My own views on religion I am rather reluctant to talk about, but I will say that I believe in a higher power and life after death. All the rest I am skeptical about. Organized religion is disturbing to me in some ways. I think my personal relationship with my God is more important than subscribing to one particular ideal. I could go on, but I think I'm going to leave that one alone for now!

I go back to my rheumy on June 14th. I quit taking the Arava because it was making me very ill and not providing much in the way of pain relief. I'm so tired of taking pills. I don't want to take any more pills than what is absolutely necessary, but if there were something that could provide me with more pain relief I'd gladly try it. I know he's going to suggest prednisone again, but I refuse to go on that again unless my life depends on it. I know it sounds like I'm being difficult, and maybe I am. I'm just holding on to the small strand of hope that something will work without making me miserable in the process. Like I've said before, I may have to just get used to living with pain. This may be as good as it gets.

Alice in Wonderland was quite entertaining. It stuck to the story line well and overall it's a good choice for young and old alike. I especially liked Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. On a scale of 1-5, I'd give it a 3.5.

Good night to all! XOXO, Sarah Jane

What's Going On :)

What's going on today? Not a whole lot and that's okay with me. I slept in till all of 8 a.m. this morning! I haven't done that in months, possibly a year or more. I did wake up for a short time around 5 a.m. or so and got to listen to an awesome thunderstorm that rolled through town. I love listening to thunderstorms. There's something very relaxing about them, especially when I'm laying in bed and it's dark.

I need to decide on what's for dinner tonight. Maybe meatloaf. It's kind of hot to run the oven, but meatloaf just sounds good right now.

Jake is still at Mom's, Justin just got home from the library, and Ian is playing quietly in his room. It is unusually silent right now. Justin has his mouth full of chicken, that may be the reason for that! Justin is actually doing quite well without his ADHD meds. I am very proud of him. He still has some self-control issues, but what 10 year old boy doesn't? I'm hoping we can keep him off of them from now on, but the school just won't have that. Jake and Ian both outgrew the need for the meds when they were about his age, I'm keeping my fingers crossed it will be the same for him.

XOXO, Sarah Jane

Pain in my Steak

Well, I started with the best of intentions. I was going to grill out all by myself and have the steaks ready when Matt got home. Thanks to my constant companion (pain), I'm unable to do what I want yet again. Not to mention there is not a good place in the shade to put the grill, and I definitely can't stand in the sun. Soo...plan B it is, which is do them in the oven under the broiler and enlist the help of the boys for prep work and clean up. I at least got a few things accomplished today. I managed to do some grocery shopping and get a load or two of laundry done.Which doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it sure is.

Tonight is going to be a family movie night. I got Alice in Wonderland today and I am so excited to see it!!! I love Tim Burton movies and I love Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter. I picked up plenty of popcorn at the store, so we are set!

I think it's wonderful that Lady Gaga has brought lupus to the headlines. I know a lot of people aren't that crazy about her, but there are many people that are and if you can say one thing about her, it is that she knows how to attract attention. I hope one day this disease gets as much attention as some others do. The more attention it gets, the more funding it will get. The more funding it gets, the closer to a cure we will be. What I wouldn't give to be able to walk up a flight of steps, to be able to play in the sun, to play at the playground with my kids. Those are things I took for granted before. Now I regret each time I told my boys I didn't want to go outside with them. If I had things to do over again, those are a few things that would definitely be different. I've learned some pretty hard lessons since this disease darkened my doorway. The biggest one being that the little, everyday things are what you will miss the most when they are yanked out from underneath you. I have dug my heels in and been stubborn with this disease, but lupus has still drug me through the dirt. As long as I am able to stand back up and brush myself off, I'll be all right. If God doesn't put more on a person than what they can handle, he must think a whole lot more of me than I do of myself! Sometimes I just don't think I'm up for it. I think if it weren't for my boys I wouldn't be, Matt included in that. They are the air in my lungs, the water that quenches my thirst, and the blood that flows in my veins. I don't think they'll ever know how much they mean to me.

Now, before my hands quit on me I'll end this! LOL

XOXO, Sarah Jane

Good Morning!

A brand new day and a brand new start. I think I'm going to try to take it a little easier today. Which is easier said than done,  I get bored too easily!

Last night ended well. Mom and Larry came to get Jake (he's spending the week with them), then we went out to Dairy Queen for some much needed ice cream :) I got my hair cut yesterday and I am very pleased with it. I kept most of the length, but had her cut some layers in to give my curls some more bounce. It worked well. I go to Body Reflections here in French Lick. I don't think I'd go anywhere else. I love the stylists in there. They always make me feel welcome, and they tell me I have pretty hair so...bonus for them! LOL :) I want to get my nails done, but I am so horrible when it comes to my nails. I always end up chewing them off the week after I get them. But they do look so pretty after I get them done. Ah well...I think I'll just save my money on that one.

One thing I am very picky about is my shampoo and conditioner. I am still searching for that perfect brand that I'll be able to use and love for eternity. Right now I am using the CVS brand of Loreal's EverPure for colored hair. So far, so good, but I am not loving the scent. Not that it's bad...I just don't love it.  I love the smell of pantene, but lately it has been extemely drying on my hair. I probably have 10 half-used bottles of shampoo and conditioner under my sink. I am very skeptical when it comes to salon brand shampoos and such. I mean...shampoo is shampoo right? And with all the choices for the drug store brands, the salon brands really are nothing special. However, I do love the scent of Biolage and I may splurge one of these days and try it.

I am also a mascara junkie. My favorite is Covergirl. My least favorite is any by Maybelline. I got a tube of Rimmel on clearance at Walmart the other day for very cheap and I wasn't expecting much, but I love it!! It doesn't clump, gives my sparse lashes lots of volume and definition.

For most of my adult life I've been on the pursuit of the perfect foundation. With my limited resources, the high-end brands are out of my league (unless I find a great deal on ebay). I don't want to feel like I'm wearing foundation, but I want good coverage because of the lupus rash I get on my face sometimes. I want to try out sheer cover. I'm keeping my eye on ebay for the perfect deal and when I find it I will let you know how it works.

I could literally talk about all this stuff all day, but I'll save some for another blog!

Hope everyone has a wonderful, blessed day. XOXO, Sarah Jane

A Better Morning

I feel much better this morning than I did last night. I hope it will last! I just have to remember to take it easy. Last night ended up with me feeling pretty miserable.

I've all ready been to the grocery this morning. I like to go early in the morning when I can have entire aisles to myself and I don't feel rushed because someone is waiting for me to move.

I will start posting pics with my blogs once I get my camera and computer to cooperate.

I'm going to keep this short this morning so I can go get some chores done while I still feel like it. I hope everyone enjoys their day!

XOXO, Sarah Jane